Christian Whamond Leadership learnings

When leaders say "Sorry"

8/11/2011

We all have breakdowns in our interactions with others. In those interactions where you are the “perpetrator,” how you recover will strengthen or weaken the relationship. And in business, relationships are essential to doing good work. It’s vital for leaders to contribute to meaningful, trusting relationships.

First, let’s be clear on a few terms.

Breakdown is when there is a momentary collapse in your integrity. You behave in a manner that’s not you and is inappropriate.

Perpetrator means you are the instigator of the breakdown.

Recovering from the Breakdown
The most effective way to recover from a breakdown you perpetrated is to say sorry to those involved.

The apology must be face-to-face. It cannot be done through email. To be frank, that’s meaningless and gutless.
Take ownership of the breakdown. In other words, clean up your mess.
Do not make excuses or explain rationales for your behavior.
Get straight to the apology. “I owe several apologies. My behavior was over the top…”
Keep it short. Don’t ramble.
Leave room for others to respond. If they don’t that’s okay. More time may need to pass.
It may be necessary to talk about next steps. It depends on the severity of the breakdown, however.

A leader who can say, “I’m sorry” sets a standard of interaction that deepens relationships. It also lets others know that it’s okay to be human. Sure we all have “stuff” going on in our lives, and sometimes we take out our stress on others. A sincere apology lets others know the importance of team and camaraderie. It’s an act of humility.

The leader who can say, “I’m sorry” signals to the team that community trumps individuality

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Conflict management

13/2/2011

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Organizations are set up for conflict. This is a surprise to people who think that organizations are meant to be as cooperative as bees in a beehive.

Different functions, business units and geographic will have different priorities. Internal conflicts, be it nice or nasty, its how these conflicting priorities are resolved. Conflict is good, provided it is contained. Uncontainable conflict and open warfare are not good.

The first principle of conflict management is:

Do not take it personally; especially when it's meant to be personal. This is easy to say but hard to do.

The natural reaction to conflict is to fight or flight: Punching a work colleague or running away is not good tactics but the fear is real. Fear stands for:

Fight furiously
Engage the enemy emotionally.
Argue against all-comers
Retaliate, and repudiate reason.

Remove the F from fear and we have ear.

Empathize.
Agree the problem
Resolve the way forward.

Empathize: Listen past the bluster and blame. Listen past the emotion. Let the person talk. Listen actively to show the person you understand. Do not try and put your own point of view forward or justify yourself, it will only cause more conflict. and my personal failing is to try to fight emotion with logic.

Agree the problem: Try to focus on the actions, outcomes and benefits desired. This is where listening moves from paraphrasing to asking questions:
- "So what we need to achieve is...?"
-"So where do we need to get to by next week/Month?"
-"What does the customer want as a solution?"

Resolve the way forward: Once you have all calmed down and agreed the situation and the problem, then the way forward is often clear. Formally agree the next steps forward.

If your in conflict it means that someone thinks you are wrong. In many organizations, the standard operating procedure at this point is:

Deny and wrongdoing: It has all been misinterpreted; that is not what happened.
Spread the blame: you where told to do it or you where let down by someone else.
Change the subject: in a superior way point really should be focusing on a more important issue.
Shoot the messenger: as usual, up to no good and poising the well of corporate well-being.

Next time you feel yourself in conflict why not try this: apologize.

This needs courage and strength that few people have and it needs to be done right.

The word "Sorry" hardly exists in the corporate language. Be aware that when people are angry they are incapable of listening. You will often need to repeat the apology several times. This can be increasingly frustration because it feels like your apologizes are been rejected. Be aware they may not be able to listen past there emotions.

You will need to act fast. Get the apology out early: the longer things are left to fester, the worse they become.

Two little words. Practice them.

"I'm sorry"

You can expand on them once you get the hang of these two little words.

"I'm sorry, you where right, I was wrong"

These 7 little words in the right situation could be the most powerful moments of your career.

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When leaders say "Sorry"

Conflict management

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