Why do we tolerate and follow toxic leaders?

For most of us that question is too painful to confront. Our fear of losing income, reputation or self-esteem edges us into compromises that damage our hearts and souls. We are willing to bear these burdens and accept these scars because the alternatives frighten us too much. How can I sacrifice my family’s wellbeing or feed my children if I’m constantly marching away from positions that upset my fragile moral frame of reference? Life is hard, so I just need to put up with my bullying boss ... right? And it is true: many leaders suffer from some degree of toxicity. 

Bullying and Commanding
Bullying involves things like unfair treatment, public humiliation and other forms of threatening behaviour. While some bullying is straightforward, other behaviours can be subtler yet still create toxicity. These include undermining one’s position or responsibility, falsely taking credit, spreading rumours and half-truths, and social ostracism.

Whenever a leader commands, the power dynamic shifts and can become problematic. There is a thin line between commanding and bullying. Bullying can involve shouting, swearing, name-calling, malicious sarcasm, threats to safety, or actions that are threatening, intimidating, humiliating, hostile, offensive or cruel. To cement their position, bullies evaluate performance unfairly, deny advancement, steal credit, attack reputations, give arbitrary instruction, and even assign unsafe work. They can interfere, sabotage, undermine, and encourage failure. The underlying phenomenon often identified as workplace bullying can result in physical as well as emotional and psychological disorders, including a diagnosis such as post-traumatic stress disorder.

Toxic Ambivalence: Toxic leadership does not necessarily require intentionality—it can be accomplished quite effectively as a sin of omission rather than commission. Simple ineptness and rank incompetence breed toxicity in their own way. Followers experience frustration where managers do nothing. 

It is easier to recall occasions when we have been bullied than it is to remember when we have done the bullying. In the midst of enthusiastically cataloguing the various injustices that another leader may have perpetrated on us, we might need to work through our own “due diligence” and explore our personal capacity as leaders for battering followers.

Once aware of our problem, most of us will hopefully seek a solution, recognising that self-regulation is part of our job as a leader. However many leaders still refuse to confront the signs of toxicity and instead assault their followers until they are stopped or retire. Without this honest appraisal we have no right to complain about those who batter us.

Great leaders are idealists. They are optimists. They overestimate what we are capable of and inspire us to believe the same.

These challenges come at both a social and a personal level. Social challenges involve information and technology as well as global competition. Leaders at a personal level strive to find meaning in a material world.

Managers and leaders differ in several ways. Managers perform tasks; leaders seize opportunities. Managers have employees; leaders win followers. Managers monitor people; leaders inspire them. The managers who make the most impact are the ones that perform as leaders.

Leaders set the course for themselves and their organizations. Leaders and managers differ; leaders are a valuable asset to their company, their team, and their employees. Leaders use the future to motivate people and always believe that things can be better than they are.

There are no Lone Ranger leaders. If you're alone, you're not leading anybody. Examine the way great leaders pull together the core people who make them great:

1. They start building a strong inner circle before they needed it: Great leaders began building their team's long before they are the boss.
2. They attracted people with varied gifts: Great leaders attracted men & women of diverse abilities.
3. They engendered loyalty: Great leaders followers displayed incredible loyalty to them. Those closest to them  are willing to go the extra mile to help achieve success.
4. They delegate responsibility based on ability: Great leaders continually give authority to others.

A boss who micromanages is like a coach who wants to get in the game. Leaders guide and support...then sit back and cheer from the sidelines.

Okay, maybe not news to you, and certainly not news to me either. But how many actually admit they make mistakes? My experience has shown that some leaders admit it; some don't. When leaders make mistakes they have everything to gain by admitting them. When they don't, they have plenty to lose

But that is difficult for some, why? It's kind of a "human thing" to appear better than what you really are. However, that can be a big mistake. Here are three reasons to start admitting your mistakes the next opportunity you have.

1. You build trust. Leaders who admit mistakes build trust. In fact it is a real quick way to build trust. Admitting your mistakes demonstrates that you are human and endears people to you.

2. You gain respect. Leaders that admit mistakes show that they take accountability for their actions. In a world of leaders that make excuses, try to point the finger at someone else or lie, it is a breath of fresh air to have one that does none of that.

3. You learn. If a leader doesn't believe he or she ever makes mistakes, how can he or she learn from them. Leaders ought to embrace mistakes and learn from them.

This insight is exactly opposite of most people's thoughts concerning leadership. In a world of perks and privileges that accompany the climb to success, little thought is given to the responsibilities of the upward journey. Leaders can give up anything except responsibility, either for themselves or their organizations. John D. Rockefeller, Jr., said, "I believe that every right implies a responsibility; every opportunity, an obligation; every possession, a duty."

Too many people are ready to assert their rights, but not to assume their responsibilities. Richard L. Evans, in his book An Open Road, said, "It is priceless to find a person who will take responsibility . . . to know when someone has accepted an assignment that it will be effectively, conscientiously completed. But when half-finished assignments keep coming back-to check on, to verify, to edit, to interrupt thought, and to take repeated attention-obviously someone has failed to follow the doctrine of completed work."

Leaders are often very busy people. And they can easily get caught up in the activity of their obligations. If you're a leader, that's why it's important to set aside times to quiet yourself and listen to your heart.

Leaders can bank on two truths. First, they will be criticized. Second, criticism always changes the leader. Unhappy people tend to attack the point person.

Consider the ways leaders should handle criticism:
1. Understand the difference between constructive and destructive criticism.
2. Look beyond the criticism to see the critic.
3. Guard your own attitude toward the critic.
4. Keep yourself spiritually in shape. Associate with people of faith.
5. Wait for time to prove the critic wrong.
6. Concentrate on your mission; change your mistakes.

Leaders don't look for recognition from others. Leaders look for others to recognize

I see leading and management as complementary and related. Leading is more about who you are as a person; people want leaders who feel ‘followable.’ We’ve found that translates into six attributes: Far-sighted, Passionate, Courageous, Wise, Generous and Trustworthy. These attributes must be demonstrated on a daily basis to be seen as real (in other words, lip service and how you act as big meetings don’t make you a leader). Management is more of a craft: it’s primarily skill-based, like cooking or carpentry. And again, those skills need to be demonstrated on a daily basis.

Becoming a better leader is primarily an internal process of self-reflection; learning to think and then behave differently. It’s about seeing yourself as a leader, and then behaving in ways that make others see you as a leader, too. Becoming a better manager is primarily about honing your craft; creating habits of speech, organization, and interaction that allow the people who work for you to be best utilized and best focused on achieving the company’s goals.

Great leaders and great managers listen well, are curious, manage their self-talk, and hold themselves accountable for moving the business forward.

If you actually do these four things, and at the same time both hone your people management skills and develop yourself as a followable leader – you’ll be pretty much unstoppable; I’ve observed that folks who have this combination of skills and attributes can more or less write their own ticket.

The combination of good manager and good leader is rare and valuable, and far more useful than either one alone. So let’s stop debating about which one is better, cooler, or more needed – let’s do both.