You see, nobody ever wants to believe they're the problem.
Why do I think you’re the problem and not everyone else you’re always complaining about and stressing over? Well, I think Will Shakespeare, one of the great observers of the human condition, said it best in Hamlet, “The lady doth protest too much, methinks.”
You see, there are those among us who are never, ever the problem. It’s always someone or something else. The truth is that those who do all the complaining are the ones who give the rest of us so much to complain about. But we don’t, because we know better. We know there are some things we just can't change.
Since everyone’s a chief something or other these days, I’ve created 10 new C-Level titles to identify those who keep dysfunctional workplaces flourishing and multiplying like amoebas in a Petri dish:
- CWO - Chief Whining Officer. All good things happen to everyone but you. Everyone has a better job, a better boss, a better cubicle, better pay, better perks, blah, blah, blah.
- CNO - Chief Negatron Officer. You’re the self-designated dissenter, the perpetual fly in the ointment, always pointing out why it can’t be done - never how it can be done.
- CSO - Chief Stress Officer. Your boss stresses you out. Her boss stresses you out. Your coworker stresses you out. Your job stresses you out. You couldn’t be creating your own workplace stress. could you?
- CBO - Chief Blame Officer. Something goes wrong, it’s everyone’s fault but yours, and you’re sure to be the one covering your ass, pointing the finger, heading the witch hunt.
- CVO - Chief Victim Officer. You have an abusive boss. The head of HR or IT hates you. Your peer makes life miserable for you. They’re all driving you nuts. Maybe you’re the one behind the wheel.
- CDO - Chief Disruptive Officer. Always acting out or trying to get attention, the drama queen, disrupting meetings and making everything about you. It’s always about you.
- CPO - Chief Political Officer. The player, manipulator, man behind the curtain, puppet-master, destroyer of enemies. Too bad politics doesn’t win business or keep customers.
- CCO - Chief Clueless Officer. Always running around like a chicken with your head cut off, asking everybody and his brother for help, never having a clue what to do, how to do it, or even how to start.
- CUO - Chief Unreliable Officer. When there’s work to be done, finding you is like shooting darts at jello. And when you do get tagged with a task, the only thing we can count on is that it won’t be done right.
- CGO - Chief “Grass is Greener” Officer. Your friend works for a better company or a better group. Everything is better there. Everything about this place sucks. Well, it would suck a lot less if you quit.